I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
