Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I had to cum in my sink.
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