somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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