I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
