whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
