why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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