You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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