i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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