i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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