If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Holy shit dude........stairs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
