bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
