What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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