I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
