I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
