Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
