Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize