Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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