You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
