fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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