Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
