I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
