If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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