i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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