You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
