I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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