you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
