and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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