oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
