a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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