i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
