my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
