Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i think im in europe. pls send help
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize