need another drink. this is the easiest way
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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