in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
