dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
