I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
