even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
