Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
