So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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