Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
