I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
