He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
