he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
