my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
