I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
