I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
