my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
