Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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