You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
