I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this boner is exhausting
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We smell like vodka and hangover
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