nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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