Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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